8 Year Anniversary!!!!

The Dugger Family is established! December 19th 2004.

Today, December 19th, my husband and I are celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. He worked the overnight shift last night, but he greeted me early this morning with breakfast from Cracker Barrel. Yum! Between work and children we don't get the "all day" celebrations like we used to, but we are going on a date tonight so I'm excited about that. The date is going to be simple, but meaningful, as we will go to the church where we met and were married to spend some time praying and reflecting together. I'm excited to spend some time with my two favorites: the Lord and my husband. :)

I bought Jason a few different gifts, but his big one (shh, don't tell him :), is a new Bible that is personalized with his name. Eight years ago, he gave me a Bible with my new name engraved on it as a wedding present. His current Bible is one he got for free from his college's Campus Crusade for Christ when he first became a Christian and it is falling apart. He has mentioned a few times wanting a new one and so I thought it would be a useful and romantic gift. I skimmed a lot of different Bibles in order to pick one with lots of notes and commentary at the bottom of each page because he really enjoys going deeper as he reads. I can't wait to give it to him tonight. :)

With it being our anniversary, my thoughts naturally go back over the past year and I wonder: what have I learned? How have I grown? Where do I have room for improvement?

The Dugger Family 2012 - 8 years with 3.5 children! 

There are many answers to those questions... I have learned several little lessons (many of which I have blogged about) and have many, many areas where I know I can improve in. I think, however, the best answer to the above questions would be the same. The biggest lesson I learned, a way in which I have grown, and a place where I have room for improvement is making the choice not to let things come between us.

Over the past year, for the first time, my husband and I had a season (lasting about 2 months) were we seemed to be working against each other rather than going through a rough time as partners. Like every couple, we have been through challenging seasons before: his medical residency, infertility, loss of children, etc. Those times were exceptionally hard, but we were in them together helping each other through. This year, we experienced something painful that we dealt with very differently. Our different approaches and responses to this situation was very difficult as we couldn't see eye to eye. Personally, I internalized our lack of agreement and so often carried those emotions around with me and allowed them into our marriage. Isolation, anger, and a lack of communication was present in our relationship. Finally, one night, my very wise husband said, "you know, this is only going to be as big of an issue in our marriage as we let it become."

Those words still speak such truth to me. I was convinced, for many weeks, that we couldn't move forward in our marriage until we agreed on this certain topic. I allowed my emotions (hurt, anger, frustration... a whole range of fun feelings) to get the best of me. I did not make the choice to say, "this won't affect our relationship." Instead, I thought and rationalized, "how can this not affect our relationship?" To be clear, we weren't contemplating divorce or anything like that, but I couldn't figure out how to remain close to him when we each had our own plan on how best to resolve this conflict. When he spoke that truth to me, I knew I had to make a decision to stop carrying around my feelings, my disappointment in his opinions, and the differences between us. It was up to me.

Love is a choice. That is a basic marriage principle that I have "known" since first dating Jason. It is talked about at church, written about in books, and is a theme at many conferences and counseling sessions. Yet, eight years into our marriage, I am still learning what that looks like and how it plays out in real life. It is a choice to stay faithful, a choice to work things out, a choice to love the unlovable, a choice to forgive, a choice to trust, a choice to (fill in the blank).We have a choice in how we deal with conflict, our negative emotions, and the negative emotions of our spouse. Sometimes it is easy to push back our selfish pride and not allow a disagreement to take center stage in marriage and other times that seems like an impossible task. But, either way, it is a choice.

Several weeks have passed since our season of struggle has come to an end. Jason and I still don't agree on this one topic, but our marriage is back to thriving. The wedge between us has been removed even though our opinions are still different. Making the choice to not let "big issues" truly become big issues was a huge lesson I learned this year. I am sure in the future we will come to this place again where we might be tempted to turn against each other rather than go through it together, but I pray that I will draw upon the lessons of this year and make the mature choice early on in our discussions rather than letting them linger on for months.
I am so thankful for married life - all that it teaches me and how it challenges me to be a better person. I don't always make the decision to die to my flesh and be a godly wife, but that is what I am striving for. I am so honored to be married to my husband and to spend my life honoring the Lord with him!