Numbness and Apathy and Autopilot

I haven't updated the blog very much lately and when I have it has been more prayers for my husband and less challenges for myself. My main excuse reason for this is my pregnancy and how I am so exhausted that I don't even turn on my computer for e-mails - much less blog posts. And this is very true. However, today I realized something very convicting.

I don't write these posts to become a famous blogger or gather a large following. I'm not even sure how many people read a given post and I'm okay with that. The less I know, the better. I write this blog - for me! I have found that if I don't have a place to write my lessons about marriage, conversations about wife-hood, and convictions I'm feeling - then, sadly, I don't act on what I'm learning, I don't pursue the depths of what the Lord is trying to teach me. I am a processor - I like to digest and discuss things I am learning and ways to grow and this blog helps me do that. It also serves as a journal which helps me remember my lessons and remain accountable to them long after the original conviction has passed.

This afternoon I had some time to myself as my husband took our children to the pool. As I was putting away laundry I began thinking about our marriage over the past few weeks. It hasn't been bad at all - especially with how tired I've been (I'm talking sound asleep by 9pm and a two hour nap every afternoon!). We haven't had any arguments or conflicts. I'm not dwelling on negative thoughts or being critical. Our marriage has been fine, but just fine. I don't know about you, but I don't want a fine marriage - I want an exceptional marriage.

That's when conviction fell hard on me. I was thinking about how our marriage has simply been fine and how I am not okay with that when it hit me... I haven't done anything to make it better. I haven't been seeking the Lord to show me areas of improvement. I haven't been sacrificing my selfish wants (including sleep) to serve my husband. I haven't been doing anything to move us from fine to exceptional. I haven't done anything to hurt my husband or discredit him or our marriage, but simply because I'm not moving backwards does not mean I'm automatically moving forward.

My goal in life, and the goal of my ministry I am founding (For the Love Ministries - to be unveiled soon!), is to be more intentional in my prayers and more like Christ each and every day in every single one of my relationships. This is especially true for my husband. I want to be fighting on my knees for him daily and I want to be a more Christlike wife every morning than I was when I went to bed the night before. Yet, that doesn't happen if I'm not making the effort to be different. It is a choice, a decision, and I have not been making it. I have been tired and that has served as my excuse and now, a few weeks later, I see how quickly numbness, apathy, and autopilot have gradually impacted my role as wife causing our marriage to simply be fine.

I haven't written a challenged based blog post for several weeks with the excuse that I have been very tired. When in reality, I haven't written one because I was not making the choice to seek the Lord to inquire of Him what areas I could improve on. I didn't take the time to be more like Christ than I was the day before. Instead, was running on the "we're fine" excuse, which is a lie from Satan. I'm a sinful person with a deceitful heart... I am never fine. I must strive to die to my flesh and be more like Christ each day in order to be the wife God has called me to be. In order to have the marriage God desires for us to have. My numbness, apathy, and autopilot stop today!