Conflict!

Earlier today the Lord graciously gave my husband and I a quiet hour to have a hard discussion. Conversations that involve our flesh (sins) and hurt feelings are never easy to have, but are necessary in keeping a healthy marriage. Over the years, we have approached these conversations in different ways and this one was,  by far, the best we've ever had (Praise God!). I credit the Lord for this because we tried to have the conversation earlier in the week and it was never able to be carried out. At the time, that made me very frustrated, but now I see that the Lord was stopping the conversation until it was His appointed time. Here are some lessons I drew from today:

1. Schedule the Talk. So often, if there is an "issue" in our marriage I either want to discuss it right away in the heat of my emotions or I avoid the topic until I can no longer hold my tongue. Neither of these are healthy options. Scheduling the talk allows both parties to know that an uncomfortable talk is coming (so no one is caught of guard and both have time to prepare). It also allows these conversations to happen in the setting of your choice. For us, it was an hour without the children, in the spot Jason proposed - for others it might be a favorite coffee shop or local park. This also gives accountability to make sure the talk is carried out and not swept under the rug during normal daily life.

2. Pray and Fast.  Pray before, during, and after the talk. Pray before the talk that each of you will have grace and the peace of the Holy Spirit. Pray for Godly sorrow and conviction (if needed for the situation). Pray for protection from Satan. Pray that you and your spouse will be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." Pray for honesty and revelation. Pray for it to be a time of restoration. To add fuel to your prayers - fast! I fasted for this particular conversation and it was unmistakable the impact it made.

3. Don't be Accusing or Defensive.  If you are the person beginning the conversation, don't come at your spouse with an accusing tone or angry spirit. Remember that you are not the Holy Spirit in their life! Simply state the facts and ask questions. Perhaps, if applicable, explain why your feelings are sensitive at the time (you're pregnant, you didn't sleep well the night before, childhood events, etc.) to share with your spouse that this might not be all their fault. Give them a safe place to open up rather than a punishment. If you are the one being addressed, don't be defensive or play the blame game. Take ownership, acknowledge, and even if you disagree, explain your side very calmly. As with any conflict, never raise your voice, threaten divorce, walk out of the room, or say things out of emotion (take pauses if needed). Avoid manipulation and the silent treatment.

4. Listen.   Let them talk. Let them cry. Let them lead as much of the conversation as possible once the issue has been addressed. Keep your emotions out of it as often as possible in order to give them a place where they can be real. Most sins can be traced back to heart issue and in these conversations we don't want their behavior to change as much as getting to the root of why this happened. Listening is the best way to get there.

5. Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Hold hands, put your hand on his leg, let him put his arm around you, hug, and kiss. All of these can be reassuring to both people and helps keep unity within conflict. Continually speak of your love and commitment - focus on that rather than the hurt.

6. Get Everything Out.  Today, we were having our talk and we decided to discuss a few other topics that weren't on the original agenda. While we were being open and honest we just kept talking. This is a good thing. You have the time and the willing hearts so don't let an opportunity pass you by to confess something or bring up another topic for discussion. Get everything out into the open.

7. Increase Intimacy. These talks are never fun and oh, how I dread them. However, they always lead to better communication, emotional intimacy, and even physical intimacy. If you keep the end goal of increased intimacy in sight - these talks become more beautiful than painful.

8. Forgive Completely. Once things are talked about and an action plan has been made on how to move forward. Forgive. Pray together and ask God for forgiveness and move forward in your marriage.

9. Forget yet Remember. Forget the pain, forget the transgression, but remember the lessons that were drawn out.

10. Follow Up. Don't have an amazing conversation and then leave and not discuss it again. Set up an action plan and see to it that you both follow through. Ask occasionally, "So, how are you doing with this?" Continue to pray about it together. Don't avoid the topic(s) that were discussed, but rather make them non-issues in your marriage by following up on them.

Those are just a few of the things that stood out to me today. As much as I dread these conversations - I always love the flood of mercy and grace that fill our hearts after. I love the recommitment and fresh start. I love the honesty. How do you and your spouse handle wounds in your marriage?